The Starmoon Humor Archives Part 2    Part 1 - Part 3

THE TOP TEN THINGS IN GOLF THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T:...top

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9.  After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7.  Look at the size of his putter!
6.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5.  Mind if I join your threesome?
4.  Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3.  My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2.  Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
And the #1 thing in Golf that sounds dirty but isn't:
1.  Hold up ....I need to wash my BALLS first.

TEN THINGS IN LAW THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked though her briefs?
9.  He is one hard Judge!
8.  Counselor, lets do it in chambers.
7.  Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.  Is it a penal offense?
5.  Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.  For $300 dollers an hour, she better be good!
3.  Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.  The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the #1 thing in Law that sounds dirty but isn't:
1.  Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS AT THE OFFICE, THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9.  Mind if I use your laptop?
8.  Just stick it in my box.
7.  If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6.  I want it on my desk, now!!
5.  HMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4.  My epuipment is so old ...it takes for ever to finish.
3.  It's an entry-level positon.
2.  When do you think, you'll be getting off today?
And the #1 thing in the office that sounds dirty but isn't:
1.  It's not fair....I do all the work while she just sits there!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"Please Divert Course!" ...top
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995.
Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10 Oct. 1995.

AMERICANS: Please divert your course to 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I repeat, divert your course immediately.
CANADIANS: No. I repeat again. You divert your course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
We are accompanied by three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels.
I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North. Repeat, one five degrees North or
counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

CATS, DOGS & HUMANS  ...top
1. What is a cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
2. What is a dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME  ...top
> Both take up too much space on the bed.
> Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
> Both are threatened by their own kind.
> Both like to chew wood.
> Both mark their territory.
> Both are bad at asking you questions.
> Neither tells you what's bothering them.
> The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
> Neither does any dishes.
> Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
> Both are suspicious of the postman.
> Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
> Neither understands what you see in cats.
>WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
> Men only have two feet to track in mud.
> Men can buy you presents.
> Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
> Men are a little bit more subtle.
> Men open their own cans.
> Dogs have dog breath all the time.
> Men can do math stuff.
> Holiday Inns accept men.

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember...
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
 
 

There are six F's in the sentence.  One of average intelligence finds
three of them.  If you spotted four, you're above average.  If you got five,
you can turn your nose at most anybody.  If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch.  Many people forget the OF's.  The human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
DID YOU COUNT SIX OR THREE?
 
 
 
 
 
 

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises,
there are some arguments for changing that policy.

> 1. It's an incentive to show up.  ...top
> 2. It reduces stress.
> 3. It leads to more honest communications.
> 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
> 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
> 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
> 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
> 8. It encourages carpooling.
> 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
>10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
>11. It makes fellow employees look better.
>12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
>13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
>14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
>15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
>16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Ebonics  ...top
   1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day,  man I was HONOROLL.
   2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
   3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."
   4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
   5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
   6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."
   7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
   8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.
   9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
  10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
  11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday,  I got her a DOMINEERING.
  12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
  13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
  14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points.  My coach said, "DATA boy!"
  15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"
  16. FASCINATE - My girly's titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.
  17. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"
  18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.
  19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."
  20. DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of bitches on DECIDE.
 
 
 
 

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas. ...top

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.  She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday hefell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
[words in parentheses were crossed out] Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)(direathe) the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.  He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
  and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
  I wasn't the best either, sore throat andfever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
 
 
 
 
 

>Many many years ago when I was twenty three, ...top
>I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
>This widow had a grown-up daughter
>Who had hair of red.
>My father fell in love with her,
>And soon the two were wed.
>
>This made my dad my son-in-law
>And changed my very life.
>My daughter was my mother,
>For she was my father's wife.
>
>To complicate the matters worse,
>Although it brought me joy,
>I soon became the father
>Of a bouncing baby boy.
>
>My little baby then became
>A brother-in-law to dad.
>And so became my uncle,
>Though it made me very sad.
>
>For if he was my uncle,
>Then that also made him brother
>To the widow's grown-up daughter
>Who, of course, was my step-mother.
>
>Father's wife then had a son,
>Who kept them on the run.
>And he became my grandson,
>For he was my daughter's son.
>
>My wife is now my mother's mother
>And it makes me blue.
>Because, although she is my wife,
>She's my grandmother too.
>
>If my wife is my grandmother,
>Then I am her grandchild.
>And every time I think of it,
>It simply drives me wild.
>
>For now I have become
>The strangest case you ever saw.
>As the husband of my grandmother,
>I am my own grandpa!
 
 
 
 

  Check out these ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "The Family Feud" ...top

  Name something a blind person might use -  A sword
  Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
  Name a bird with a long neck -  Naomi Campbell
  Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
  Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
  Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
  Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
  Name something that floats in the bath - Water
  Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
  Name something Red - My cardigan
  Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
  Name a famous royal - Mail
  A number you have to memorize - 7
  Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
  Something you put on walls - Roofs
  Something in the garden that's green - Shed
  Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
  Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
  Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
  Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
  Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
  Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
  Something associated with the police - Pigs
  A sign of the zodiac - April
  Something slippery - A conman
  A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
  A food that can be brown or white - Potato
  A jacket potato topping -  Jam
  A famous Scotsman - Jock
  Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
  Something with a hole in it -  Window
  A non living object with legs - Plant
  A domestic animal - Leopard
  A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
  A way of cooking fish - Cod
  Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
 
 
 
 
 

TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY  ...top

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--
    that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for Father's Day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
 
 
 
 
  
 
 

Are you feeling old?  If not, consider this: ...top

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is Jenny's phone number.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard the term "Where's the beef?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A History of Giving the Finger:... ...top

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English,
proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be incapable of fighting in the future using the longbow.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing
the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking
the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying,
"See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture.
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say  (like"pleasant mother pheasant plucker",
which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow).

The difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F',
and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought
to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving the bird".

And yew all thought yew knew everything!
 
 
 
 
 
   

>Four walls do not a prison make, but then again... ...top
                      PRISON VS. WORK
>   IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
>   AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
>   IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
>   AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for  it.
>   IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
>   AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
>   IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
>   AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
>   IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
>   AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>   IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
>   AT WORK...you have to share.
>   IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
>   AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
>   IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
>   AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
>   IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
>   AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
>   IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
>   AT WORK...they are called managers.
 
 
 
 
 

These are actual posting in church bulletins.... ...top
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
  Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
  attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
  evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24)  Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:  GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary...
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And an original...
Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor: "Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside.
Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods... " (then without skipping a beat)
 "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here at the church...!"
 
 
 

A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT A FEW RANDOM THINGS...   by -- Marsha Warfield ...top

>Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat."
 Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be
 a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.  In that case, you don't deserve to eat.
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
>How many of you have started dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
>They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good..... He's dead. Good.
>A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit
>Now they're advertising breathable panty liners. You know some man invented that product.
  No woman would be inventing a panty liner and putting little holes in there. She'd put little tongues in there.
>They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that   communicative but I heard from it
  on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in
  vigorous toning with resistence?"   Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."
>The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.
>Gay, straight...they all want blow jobs.
>The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.
>My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"
>I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,  smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
 Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!
>I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that shit.
>Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
 
 
 
 

>A few things for you to ponder in your spare time :)  see ya soon!!  ...top

   Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
   How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
   Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
   Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
   Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
   What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
   IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
   Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients.... but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons.
   Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of.
   Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it.
   Why do we wash BATH TOWELS, aren't we clean when we use them?
   Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
   Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.
   Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"
   Whose cruel idea was it for the word  "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
   What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

>WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN ...top

>"I'm going fishing"
>Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim  by in complete safety."
>"Let's take your car"
>Really means "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely  out of gas."
>"Woman driver"
>Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
>"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen"
>Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
>"It's a guy thing"
>Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you  have no chance at all of making it logical."
>"Can I help with dinner?"
>Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"
>"Uh huh," "sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
>Really means "Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."
>"Good idea"
>Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating"
>"Have you lost weight?"
>Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
>"My wife doesn't understand me."
>Really means "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
>"It would take too long to explain"
>Really means "I have no idea how it works"
>"I'm getting more exercise lately"
>Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead"
>"I got a lot done"
>Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture"
>"We're going to be late"
>Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac"
>"Hey, I've read all the classics"
>Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972"
>"You cook just like my mother used to"
>Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too"
>"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
>Really means "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra"
>"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard"
>Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"
>"That's interesting, dear"
>Really means"Are you still talking"
>"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love"
>Really means "I forgot our anniversary again"
>"You expect too much of me"
>Really means "You want me to stay awake"
>"It's a really good movie"
>Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear"
>"That's women's work"
>Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless"
>"Will you marry me"
>Really means "Both my room-mates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter"
>"Go ask your mother"
>Really means "I am incapable of making a decision"
>"You know how bad my memory is"
>Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girlI ever kissed and the Vehicle ID Numbers of every car I've owned,
  but I forgot your birthday"
>"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses"
>Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe"
>"Football is a man's game"
>Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it"
>"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
>Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt"
>"I do help around the house"
>Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket"
>"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
>Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon"
>"I can't find it"
>Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"
>"What did I do this time"
>Really means "What did you catch me at"
>"What do you mean you need new clothes"
>Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago"
>"She's one of those rabid feminists"
>Really means "She refused to make my coffee"
>"No, I left plenty of gas in the car"
>Really means "You may actually get it to start"
>"I heard you"
>Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough
  so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me"
>"You know I could never love anyone else"
>Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse"
>"You look terrific"
>Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving"
>"I brought you a present"
>Really means "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game"
>"I missed you"
>Really means "I can't find the sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper"
>"We share the housework"
>Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up"
>"This relationship is getting too serious"
>Really means "I like you more than my car"
>"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful"
>Really means"Oh man, what have you done to yourself"
>"It's good beer"
>Really means "It was on sale"
>"I'll take you to a nice restaurant"
>Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window"
 
 
 
 
 

You know you are addicted to the Internet when... ...top

>       You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
>       You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
>       Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
>       Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
>       You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
>       You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
>       You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
>       You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
>       All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
>       And even your night dreams are in HTML.
>       You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
>       You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>       You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
>       You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot com
>       Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV,
          even though you've never had heart problems before.
>       You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
>       You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
>       Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
>       All of your friends have an @ in their names.
>       When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
>       Your dog has its own home page.
>       You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
>       You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
>       You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
>       You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
>       You refer to your age as 3.x.
>       You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
>       Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
>       Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
>       You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
>       You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they haveneutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
>       You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
>       You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
>       Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
>       You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
>       You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
>       You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
>       You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
>       You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
>       You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
>       You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do," and you don't even have a job.
>       Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
>       You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
>       Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
>       You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
>       You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
>       You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP....because you never log off.
>       The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
>       You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
>       You forget what year it is.
>       You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>       You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
>       You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
>       You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
>       You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
>       Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
>       As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
 
 
 

>Dealing With Telemarketers...top

> 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for  bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

> 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them,
  "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up,
   my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died... " When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."

> 3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name.
   Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

> 4. This one works better if you're male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter & Siegel services...
   " You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] "What are you wearing?" Telemarketer: [Click.]

> 5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this
   will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

> 6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak.
  This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

> 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and  Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster,
  "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

> 8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT  blood?  How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate:
  "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."

> 9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional
    "Uh-huh", "Really" or "How fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
    When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.

> 10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics.
   " You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Dallas, Texas.
   " You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?!?"  Telemarketer:
   "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"

> 11. Answer the phone.  As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

> 12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them
   back.  Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number".  You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
   work, right?".  Telemarketer will agree. You say "Now you know how I feel!"  Hang-up.
 
 
 
 

> Kids Say the Darndest Things ...top
> (A First Grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave  each child in her class the first half of a proverb, then had the
    children complete the phrase. These were their answers.)
> "As you shall make your bed so shall you..." Mess it up.
> "Better to be safe than..." Punch a 5th grader.
> "Strike while the..." Bug is close.
> "It's always darkest before..." Daylight savings time.
> "You can lead a horse to water but..." How?
> "Don't bite the hand that..." Looks dirty.
> "A miss is as good as a..." Mister.
> "You can't teach an old dog new..." Math.
> "If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..." Stink in the morning.
> "The pen is mightier than the..." Pigs
> "A penny saved is..." Not much.
> "Two's company..." Three's the musketeers.
> "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and..." You have to blow your nose.
> "Children should be seen and not..." Spanked or grounded.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

> "Man's 27 Rules for Women":...top

> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
> 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
>  3. Don't make us guess.
> 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
> 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.  Live with it.
> 6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
> 7. Get rid of your cat.  And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
>8. Dogs are better than ANY cats.  Period.
> 9. Sunday = Sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of  the tides. Let it be.
> 10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
> 11. Anything you wear is fine.  Really.
> 12. You have enough clothes.
> 13. You have too many shoes.
>14. Crying is blackmail.  Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
>15. Your brother is an idiot.
>16. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.
> 17. No, he doesn't know what day it is.  He never will.  Mark anniversaries.
>18. Share the bathroom.
>19. Share the closet.
>20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
>21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See  a doctor.
>22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
>23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
>24. Check your own oil.
>25. If you think you look fat -- Exercise.
>26. A diet coke does not counter the calories of 2 lbs of Bon Bons
>27. Don't give us 50 rules when 27 will do.
 
 
 
 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone!!! ...top

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.  After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
 I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!", and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.  I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
 "Hi.  This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said,  "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if  there's ever anything really bothering you,
you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
 

PART 2
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking lot at a snail's pace.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of  the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.  All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
 I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"  The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.
 He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.  I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.
 I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.  I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,  "You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my
desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.  After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.  It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"  "I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"   "Yes."  "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.  For a while things seemed to be going better for me.
 Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call.  Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.  I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked
out front."  "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
 Then I called Jackass #2.  He answered, "Hello."  I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."  "You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my
gay lover as soon as he got home.  Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.  Glorious!
 Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest
experiences of my life!  Then I watched it again on the news that evening and countless times since.  It has yet to get old and hasn't failed to cheer me up yet.
(Name withheld to protect the guilty.)
 
 
 
 

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. ...top

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists.
  He's had two mistresses.  He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
 
 

Which of these candidates is your choice??
 
 
 
 
 

 Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
 Candidate B is Winston Churchill
 Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
 ...top
 
 
 
 

GOLDWYNISMS  ...top
>Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions andMetro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse
  of the English language.
>Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:
>"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
>"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
>"In two words, impossible."
>"Include me out"
>"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
>When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered,  "Yes, but keep copies."
>When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness" because it dealed with lesbians, he replies,
 "All right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians."
>"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
>"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
>"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
>"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
>"For your information, just answer me one question!'
>"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
>"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory." "Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
>"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
>"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
>"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer.
  I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe.
 
 
 
 

How to give a cat a pill:...top

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:
 1) Wrap it in bacon.

...top