Door HQ A Valuable Door Directory and Information Resource.
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended
for the High School girls,
teaching how to prepare for married life.
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1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before,
to have a delicious meal - on time.
This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking
about him, and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of
a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will
be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh
looking.
He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day
may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the
main part of the house just before your husband arrives,
gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust
cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and
it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,
and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures
and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate
all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum.
Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to
see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain
if he's late for dinner.
Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through
that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.
Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow
and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak i na low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow
him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him,
but the moment of his arrival is not the time.
Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not
take you out to dinner
or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his
world of strain and pressure
and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time.Now the updated version for the '90s woman. ...top
2.Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter
on your way home will do wonders
for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time
he belches at the table.
(Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let
her know you'll need her for an extra day this week.
Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the
children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him
that the washer and garbage disposal
are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy
(but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way
he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS
: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints
will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him
that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding
him that you make more money than he does.
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Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
If Noah had been truly wise he would have killed those two flies.
Why is there a "permanent press" setting on my iron?
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
A miser is hard to live with, but makes an excellent ancestor.
Despite the cost of living it remains popular.
Men who go bald in the front are thinkers. Men who go bald in
the back are great lovers.
Men who go bald all over think they are great lovers.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning for others.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
" A SMILE costs nothing, but gives much. It enriches those who receive,
without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
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Next time you find yourself running dry on interesting tidbits
(useless but interesting) of conversational matter ...
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but it is forbidden for him to look
directly at them during the examination. He may only see their
reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the
deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all
times.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins,
who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins
to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute ...
is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close
to this???)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room
to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with
a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to
pass this law.....?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception:
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?)
...top
This is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster,
and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout
Troop
visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them
proper rifle range discipline
before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
...top
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for
it, though one time
I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger
and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long
after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine
as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one
of us will say to the other,
"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything,
I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
at the store, like milk, or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For
all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist
on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the
repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen
to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make
up
something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's
day
is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something
for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
really
have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even
when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and
I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious
to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I
don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard.
What's
the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen
or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single
time
about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of
Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in
Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you
do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
pair
of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your
hair
is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning,
and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Men List:
1. Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always
be half off.
2. Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be
long enough.
3. Men are like computers...
hard to figure
out and never have enough memory.
4. Men are like coolers...
load them with
beer and you can take them anywhere
5. Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they
usually head right for your
hips.
6. Men are like coffee....
the best ones are
rich, warm, and can keep you up
all night long.
7. Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you
what to do and are usually
wrong.
8. Men are like plungers...
they spend most
of their lives in a hardware store
or the bathroom.
9. Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they
take a long time to get
hard.
10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate
the shit out of you
11. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because
vibrators don't mow lawns
12. Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their
own
business?
A: No mind-No
business
13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A:
The good ones are taken and what's left is
handicapped
14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men
who are
sensitive,
caring and good looking?
A: Because those
men already have boyfriends
15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A:
You never know when he's coming, how many inches
you'll get
or how long it will last
16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they
don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
17. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because
they're all pigs
>
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> WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay,
and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and
had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over
an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
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READING BETWEEN THE LINES
-------------------------
John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write
a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Signed ...
Jim
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
John,
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent
to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards ...
Jim
| The answer to the eternal question "Is it better
to be a jock or a Geek (Nerd)?":
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $l0,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him
his salary and endorsement money,
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is
spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,
This year, he'll make more
than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
Game over. Geek Wins |
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Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and
forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt
gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the
other is just having a baby.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow
out
the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
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quotes
I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not
dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see asmart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours.
I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done
my job.
- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That
was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a
macho
and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
- Carol
Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy
Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma
Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue
Grafton
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I
grew hair
under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next
door
to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told
me it's
because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother
know
THAT? - Wendy Liebman
I think -- therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
|
...top Kids are Dogs..... Teens are Cats..... I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate
-
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be
Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before
now
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave
like
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big
kiss
Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
|
...top
Laypersons Computer Terms
BIT:
A word used to describe computers, as in
"Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT:
What your friends give you because you spend too much
time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG:
What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green
computer screen for more than 15 minutes.
Also: What computer magazine companies do to you
after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPS:
The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat
to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY:
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too
much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR:
What you turn into when you can't get your computer
to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
DISK:
What goes out in your back after bending over a computer
keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP:
The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
install your computer.
ERROR:
What you made the first time you walked into a computer
showroom to "just look."
EXPANSION UNIT:
The new room you have to build on to your home to
house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE:
What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours
a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY:
The condition of a constant computer user's stomach
due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food
(see "Chips").
HARDWARE:
Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment
you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM:
The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to
drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU:
What you'll never see again after buying a computer
because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR:
Often thought to be a word associated with computers,
this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who
always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS:
Those things you used to look at on your television
before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN:
What lots of people do with their computers after only
a week and a half.
TERMINAL:
A place where you can find buses, trains and really
good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW:
What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally
erase a program that took you three days to set up.
| YOU KNOW YOU'RE
DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . .
~You speed walk in your sleep.
|
...top
Thought you might enjoy these...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for an animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got brains.
...top
HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1) He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed
a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2) He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3) He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4) He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5) He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6) He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7) He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops
a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8) He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY
AUTOMATED.
9) He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE
EMPATHY.
10) He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He
has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
11) He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
CHALLENGED
...top
LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn care less
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
...top
THE "LIGHTER" SIDE OF MARRIAGE
==============================
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence ( a life sentence!!!)
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is
over, the strings are still attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage
is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the women gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and
TWO under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
7. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS".
7.1 The Engagement Ring
7.2 The Wedding Ring
7.3 The Suffe-Ring
7.4 The Endu-Ring
8. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
8.1 In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
8.2 In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
8.3 In the THIRD year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
9. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
10. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with
friends...You order what you want, and when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
11. It's true; all men are born free and equal - but some of them
get married.
12. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and
found
himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
13. Son : How much does it cost to get married, Dad ?
Father : I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son : Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father : That happens everywhere, son. EVERYWHERE.
14. There was a man who said, "I did not know what happiness was
until I got married... and then it was too late!"
15. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
16. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,
it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
...top
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or
cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the
size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south,
east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave
early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that
ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them
in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill
you
or think every guy out there's trying to
steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to
do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for
me
to have these two balls and stand when I
pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts
of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after
all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to
work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger
raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's
true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like
you!
******** And now it's time for a rebuttal
You Men didn't think
you would get off that easy now did ya??? ****************
...top
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts
and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like
a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet
seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch
your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer
gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets
a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch
my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could
sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my
back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of
crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with
my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the
side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much
pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for
me, to have these two boobs and squat when I
pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that
gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and
weep, then screw you, roll over and fall
sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise
for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with
my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's
true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like
you!
...top
Martha Stewarts Tips for Rednecks
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good
his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back a beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Fascinating. (or fnsacintaig)
aoccdrnig to a rseeachrer at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and
lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by
it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
...top
>WHY SHIT HAPPENS
>Optimism: This shit, too, will pass.
>Taoism: Shit happens.
>Catholicism: Shit happens to you bacause you are BAD.
>Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
>Athiesm: No shit.
>Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
>Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
>Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."
>Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening.
>Hinduism: This shit happened before.
>Islam: It is the will of Allah that shit happens.
>Existentialism: What is shit?
>Existentialism: The burden of shit.
>Athiesm: I don't believe this shit.
>Americanism: Who gives a shit?
>Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
>Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
>Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
>Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
>Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
>Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
>Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
>Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
>Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
>Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
>Athiesm: You're full of shit.
>Shitinajar: What's this shit.
>Taoism: Shit happens.
>Catholicism: Shit happens to you bacause you are BAD.
>Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
>Athiesm: No shit.
>Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
>Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
>Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."
>Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening.
>Hinduism: This shit happened before.
>Islam: It is the will of Allah that shit happens.
>Existentialism: What is shit?
>Existentialism: The burden of shit.
>Existentialism: Knowing that the world is shit makes it no longer shit.
>Athiesm: I don't believe this shit.
>Americanism: Who gives a shit?
>Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
>Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
>Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
>Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
>Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
>Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
>Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
>Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
>Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
>Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
>Athiesm: You're full of shit.
>Computerism: Why won't this shit work?
>Analism: I wanted to see where shit comes from.
>Deism: Something, somewhere, created all this shit.
>Reaganism: I don't remember shit.
>Bushism: Read my shit.
>Egocentrism: I made all this shit.
>Pessimism: There will be more shit.
>Optimism: This shit, too, will pass.
>Scientology: Do you believe this shit?
>BBSism I CNTL-C the shit.
>Communism: Everybody's shit is everrybody else's shit.
>Capitalism: The more you work, the more you don't have to take shit.
>Realism: Life is shit.
>idealism: I can handle this shit.
>Positive Thinkingism: Shit is what you make it.
>Predictionism: The shit is going to hit the fan.
>Patriotism: My shit, right or wrong.
>Materilaism: Whoever dies with eht most shit wins.
>Descartes-ism: I think, therefore I shit.
>Computerism: Why won't this shit work?
>Analism: I wanted to see where shit comes from.
>Deism: Something, somewhere, created all this shit.
>Reaganism: I don't remember shit.
>Bushism: Read my shit.
>Egocentrism: I made all this shit.
>Pessimism: There will be more shit.
>Optimism: This shit, too, will pass.
>Scientology: Do you believe this shit?
>BBSism I CNTL-C the shit.
>Communism: Everybody's shit is everrybody else's shit.
>Capitalism: The more you work, the more you don't have to take shit.
>Realism: Life is shit.
>idealism: I can handle this shit.
>Positive Thinkingism: Shit is what you make it.
>Predictionism: The shit is going to hit the fan.
>Patriotism: My shit, right or wrong.
>Materilaism: Whoever dies with eht most shit wins.
>Descartes-ism: I think, therefore I shit.
*********************************************************
Tag Lines: Full deck-isms
I did not compile this list, I just made them look pretty for the Web. This
list was originally compiled by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
$HOME = /dev/null.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
A burger shy of a Happy Meal.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
A few bricks short of a wall / hod.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flower short of an arrangement.
A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
A handle short of a suitcase.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers.
a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
A looney tune.
A mental midget. -- Moe Howard
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
A notch off the timing mark.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A pane short of a window.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ.
A semitone flat on the high notes.
A signature short of a book.
A sleeve/button short of a shirt.
A span short of a bridge.
A square with only three sides.
A teabag short of a pot.
A teapot with a cracked lid.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
A tower short of a castle.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
a vacuum.
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A wind-up clock without a key.
Airhead / bubble-brain.
All booster, no payload.
All crown, no filling.
All hammer, no nail.
All hat and no cattle.
All her transistors are n-type.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All missile, no warhead.
All shot, no powder.
All the lights don't shine in her marquis.
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
All wax and no wick.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An ego like a black hole.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground).
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As quick as a corpse.
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / bowl
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As thick as two short planks.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Bubbles in her think tank.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
can be tied in the back.
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/
car around the inside of a cheerio.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cauliflower for brains.
caulking / saran wrap.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Collects cards for Craig.
compass/flashlight/bloodhound (in a locked closet).
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Defective hard drive / boot sector.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know whether his earholes are punched or bored.
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Donated her body to science... before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as asphalt / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
Flaky.
Flying/landing on one engine.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Fruity as a nutcake.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
Goalie for the dart team.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
groceries in the same bag.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Gyros are loose.
Had a head crash.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is
Has a few wait states.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has a slow clock.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has no discretionary intellect.
Has no upper stage.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Has the brains of a house plant.
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.
Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He has a terrific stariway, but nothing upstairs.
He has the mental agility of a small soap dish.
He seems to be a bit wispy of the grey matter.
He's diagnosable.
He's got parts on order that are never coming in.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Head in the clouds, feet in a cowpie.
Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
Her tires are a little low.
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
His brain needs training wheels.
His buffer is full.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
His head whistles in a cross wind.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His neurons must have tenure - none of them can be fired.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His reality check just bounced.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His system administrator is never in.
His/Her turbolift doesn't go all the way to the bridge.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his brain were a TV, the slogan would be "All static, all the time!"
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
in a hammock.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inspected by #13.
Intellectually challenged.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
jumped the track.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Knitting with only one needle.
Leaky sunroof.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the house and forgot to turn the answering machine on
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Lights not burning too bright.
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
Likes dunking for french fries.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /
Lives in La-la-land.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Maybe his friends can take up a collection to buy him a clue.
Metronome needs oil.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice /
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
missing from his deck altogether.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No grain in the silo.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
nose / the wax out of her ears.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not enough brains cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child).
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not hard-docked.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not plugged all the way into the wall.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not worth pissin' on.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
Now I know what happened to all the neurons that QA tossed out.
Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
of Jello, and twice as smart.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One "yang" line short of an auspicious hexagram.
One bit short of a byte.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One bun/donut short of a dozen.
One card/marble shy of a full deck.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shade short of a rainbow.
One shingle shy of a roof.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One side short of a pentagon.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One step short of the attic.
One taco short of a combination plate.
One tree short of a hammock.
One weight short of a shipwreck.
Only one oar in the water.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Over the rainbow.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
pop gun / cap gun.
Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
putting a pea on a six lane highway.
Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Receiver is off the hook.
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
Running at 300 baud.
Running on empty.
Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
S p a c e d o u t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
Sheet short of a paper airplane.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So dim that his psychic carries a flashlight.
So fat that people jump over him rather than go around.
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some pages missing.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Someone let the air out of her lock.
Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Stocksy-babes (a truly vile British-slang insult).
Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There's a hole somewhere in that girl's marble bag.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with
Thick as a brick.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
thinks he's worth.
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
Thirty cents short of a quarter.
Three chickens short of a henhouse.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
TV set has gone to the test pattern.
Two bits shy of a word.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Vertically-fornicated mind.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
watching tennis.
Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
When she opens her mouth, it's a wonder the little light doesn't come on.
will come true.
with his head.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
Would have trouble out-thinking a doorknob.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
Zero K memory.
Neil Enns, ennsnr@brandonU.ca
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