I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
Half the people you know are below average
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
427% of all statistics are made up on the spot
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
AND I AM
AMERICAN!!!!!!!
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to
dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as
the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be digging
up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that
garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That
same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a
doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one
accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a
new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a
little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've
probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the
amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that
woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have
to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When
I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try
that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent
several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that
she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly
run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the
younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see
if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said,"Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope
and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Men are like .........Laxatives ....... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ........Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ........Weather ....... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........Blenders ....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth,& they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ....... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........Popcorn . ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like . ... ..Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright
Men are like ........Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know
the patient and the drunk
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the
soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to
him and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . .
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in
the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."
"The Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."
WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans
back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington,
under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered
all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and
partied...Go figure..
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or
withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American
mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in
time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and
is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in
under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin,
zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisments kick ass
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
25. And we don't bomb our allies.
oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.
Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!!
I AM CANADIAN!!!
It's once again time to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards".
The Stella's are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's.
That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the
THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:
5th Place (Tie)
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, TX was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Roberetson's Son.
5th Place (Tie)
19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with
a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
5th Place (Tie)
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.
He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation and Mr.. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.he jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams,
who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke
her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier,
during an argument.
2nd Place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the ladies' room
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place
This year's runaway winner was Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, OK. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago motor home.
On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 MPH and calmly left the driver's
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on
the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete MORONS buying their recreational vehicles.
President George W. Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example
of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills
him that would be a 'tragedy'."
No," says Bush, "that would be an 'accident' .
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'."
I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy'?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says:
"If Air Force One, carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a 'tragedy'."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy'?
Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably wouldn't be a fucking 'accident' either."
MEDIC ALERT
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in
liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and
it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", highballs" and just a good
old fashioned "stiff drink" Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of, Yep, you guessed it.
"MOUNT & DO."
WHO IS JACK SCHITT???
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response
when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able
to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children:
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to
hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The
couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood,
subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian wife, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.
You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
Things that Hallmark cards don't say
My tire was thumping.
thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery
were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The
painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park
bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the
middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were
having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it
depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a
predominantly white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that
the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and
said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the Gallery?", asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there is no African-American representation at all.
They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
FBI Interview
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Watch for these consolidations in 2005.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9). Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
LATEST STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom
This is a true story from the"WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for
"Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations).
"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble? "
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'cause you're ugly."
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. A man is describing his ailment to his physician:
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The doctor says "That sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
8. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
9. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
for him?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? What's wrong with him? It is because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
10. A guy went to an Army-Navy store to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.
11. A lady went to a seafood disco... and pulled a mussel.
12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks the other, "Is the bar tender here?"
15. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, sorry, we don't serve food in here."
Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.