9.  You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in Years.
8.  You have a list of 18 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
7.  You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready ...and he emails you back with "What's for dinner?"
6.  Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5.  You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
4.  You didn't give your valentine a card, but you posted one for all your e-mail buddies via a Web page.
3.  Your daughter just bought a CD that has all the songs your college roommate used to play that you hated the most.
2.  You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
1.  You try to enter your password on the microwave.

The Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend  ......top
15> You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.
>14> Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a  safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
>13> Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
>12> Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
>11> For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
>10> Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
> 9> For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*.
> 8> You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim":  Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
> 7> Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
> 6> Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
> 5> Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"
> 4> The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take  you to find your pants.
> 3> Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
> 2> Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
 and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...
> 1> You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.  (LOL  sound familiar?)

   DARWIN AWARDS  ...top
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees
nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is
an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of
dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home,
behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the
explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr.
Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died
of Suffocation enroute to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head
and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancerat a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified
only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game
of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia- A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank
they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him
against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart
wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison
and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut
through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the
sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.
He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
This next one is my personal favorite :) ~Mary
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he
had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of
customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is
licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop,
he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An
officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before
reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
holdup and fired a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene
pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. (Maybe
they weren't quick enough)

AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently
attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been
suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manatoba
Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier
infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a
restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish.
He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his
twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty
below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the
same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.
For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a
plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest
microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave
power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday
long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was
greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have
prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that
Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

shine on starmoon

NEW WORDS FOR 2000  ...top

> BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
 was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

> SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, eats  everything, makes a mess and then leaves.

> CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

> CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

 >IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

> MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

> PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
 cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's  going on.

> SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What  yuppies turn into when they have children and one
of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

> SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

> STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and  whiny.

> SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
> because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

> TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
"We had three serious students in the class; the  rest were just tourists.

> TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

> XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

> GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal
 employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

> ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

> ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement
by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

> CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.

> FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

> GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts,
one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

> IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them.
The O.J. trials were a prime example.

> PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
> UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm:
"You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

> VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands.
For instance,the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the
Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

> YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal,
 "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

> SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end.

> CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
 earshot is a serious CLM.

> ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere
> are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

> DILBERTED- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
 "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

> 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message  "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
 located."Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

> GENERICA- Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
 subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

> OHNOSECOND- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
 
 

  THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS...top

 Stage 1 -- Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish
to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong.
You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument
when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows
anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment
for those get the opportunity to listen in.

 Stage 2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in  the entire room and everyone is looking at you.
You begin to wink at  perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had  been admiring you the whole evening.
You are the center of attention,  and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful  thing on the face of the earth.
Now keep in mind that you are still  smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any
and all subjects under the sun.

 Stage 3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill
because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar.  You can also make bets in this stage.
Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet
because you have all the money in the world.
 You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest,
prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

 Stage 4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything.
At this point you would  go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening
and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all,
have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage 5 -- Invisible
 This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you.
You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all  evening, because the rest
of the people in the room cannot see you.  You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with
earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at  the top of your lungs
(because of course you are still smart and know  the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of
it because they  can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do  anything,
because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.
 

A XMAS TALE  ...top
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip... but there were problems everywhere...
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
He went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give
birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows  where. More
stress.
He began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell
to the ground, and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and  a
shot of whiskey.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. He, in his frustration,
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the
door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with  great big
Christmas Tree.
 The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a
lovely day?  I have this beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to put it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
 

INSULTS  ...top

Are you sometimes tongue-tied,trying to get your true feelings
out to that moron who cut you of the road, cut in line or to the
bureaucrat who was talking to a friend instead of helping you.
Well, here are a few new creative insults to help you along.

* It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* He must have fallen out of the family tree
* He has A room temperature IQ.
* He sets low personal standards and then consistently
  fails to achieve them.
* If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'll get change.
* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* He s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
  hold it together.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice week.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, She only gargled.
 
 
 

The following were actually taken from recent classified adds in newspapers:  ...top

-1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
-AMANA WASHER $100.  OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD  PART DOG
-2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
-TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
 AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
-STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
-FREE PUPPIES:  1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  8 YEARS OLD.  UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
-SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents
-GERMAN SHEPHARD.  85 lbs.  NEUTERED.  SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-FULL SIZED MATTRESS.  20 YR WARRANTY.  LIKE NEW.  SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
-FOR SALE:  LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
-BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
-SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
-FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG..LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE..BETTER BE REWARD.
-HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
-GET A LITTLE JOHN:THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
-HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
-FREE:  FARM KITTENS.  READY TO EAT.
-AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
-TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?  WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING
 AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.  STARTING PAY:  $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
-NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87
 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE.  PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
 PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.  ALL OTHER PLANTS IN  VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
-EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:  QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING -$175.
-OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
-LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
-ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
-GROUND BEAST:  99 cents lb.
-GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
-BAR SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
-OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
-KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
 
 

Real Advertisements ...top

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
14. For sale: Three canaries of undermined sex.
15. Great dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
18. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
19. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
20. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
21. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
22. Man, honest. Will take anything.
23. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
24. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
25. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
26. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
27. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
28. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
29. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
30. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
 

Women's Advice to Men.... (ouch!) ...top

>The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
>The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
>If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
>If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
>Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
>Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
>Please don't drive when you're not driving.
>Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
>Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
>If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
>The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
>If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's Easy"?
>Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
>When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
>Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
>Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
>Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
>Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
>Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
 
 
 

New IRS Contribution list  ...top
 Schedule M---Voluntary Contributions---Attach to Form 1020
 If already attached, detach

 1) Can we give $7 of yours to a multi-millionaire defense contractor
 who'll use it to illegally pay for his company's Christmas party?  Yes or No
  2) Would you contribute $19 so the NEA can subsidize no-talent psychos
 who fling feces and urine at canvasses, then call themselves "artists"?  (It happened)
  3) Can you spare $39.75 for yet another pay raise for Congressmen who already make five times as much as you do?
  4) Are you willing to pay $27.45 in Foreign Aid--which will probably just wind up lining the pockets of some tin-horn dictator?
  5) Do you want to give $26.09 to fund research of cow flatulence, fruit  fly mating habits and any other cockamamie thing that scientists can
 dream up so they won't be unemployed. (Yes, these are REAL)
  6) Would you contribute $6.59 to help the ATF and FBI stage long, pointless stand-offs with religious cult groups and right-wing militias?
  7) Can we earmark $19.47 of your taxes to pay overdue phone sex bills rung up by Department of Agriculture workers during business hours?
 (They never called on their own time)
  8)  Do you want  $44.90 to go to towards the development of new Federal rules and regulations to drive your employer even closer to bankruptcy?
  9)  Could you give $39.50 to help defray the cost of persecuting and harassing whistle blowers throughout the government who expose waste,
 fraud and corruption?
  10) Will you chip in $58.70 for a new fighter jet that the military doesn't even want but they're building anyway because the factory is in
 an influential Senator's state?
  11) Would you pay $39.25 for the cost of reprinting billions of government forms just so they can all say "Complies with the Paperwork
 Reduction Act"?
  12)  Do you  want $5.99 to go toward maintaining our Strategic Helium Reserve that's kept America a top dirigible power ever since WW1?
  13) Can you give $25 to send U.S . weapons to foreign countries and an
 additional $25 to send more to the countries they're fighting against?
  14) Would you pay $3.77 to continue the IRS Taxpayer Hotline even though 1/3 of the tax advice is wrong and can land you in jail if followed?
 Would you, would you....well, you are!
 
 
 
 

QUOTES  ...top

Alfred E.  Neuman.  He's that freaky little kid that has appeared on
almost every MAD cover, and also has had a "thought provoking" quote in
just about every issue.  Some of his quotes sound so intelligent that they
might lead you to believe that he's not a complete idiot.  But he is.

Anyway, here are the quotes since issue #335!
   "Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"
   "Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he'll show you the door!"
   "Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
   "Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things
through a life of crime!"
   "Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"
   "Most people are so lazy, that  they don't even exercise good judgement!"
   "If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
   "A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
   "The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
   "Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
   "How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"
   "It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
   "Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
   "Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"
   "A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"
   "How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"
   "Who says nothing is impossible?  Some people do it every day!"
   "You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
   "Blood is thicker than water...  but it makes lousy lemonade!"
   "The U.N.  is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
   "A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
   "Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."
   "Most people don't act stupid -- it's the real thing!"
   "A wedding ring is like a tourniquet -- it cuts off your circulation!"
   "A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
   "It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or  ...top
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you re-arrange the letters:

 >>Dormitory   .........  Dirty Room
>>Evangelist   .......... Evil's Agent
>>Desperation   .........A Rope Ends It
>>The Morse Code  ........ Here Come Dots
>>Slot Machines  ......... Cash Lost in 'em
>>Animosity  ............. Is No Amity
>>Mother-in-law  ................ Woman Hitler
>>Snooze Alarms  ................. Alas! No More Z's
>>Alec Guinness  ..............  Genuine Class
>>Semolina  ......................  Is No Meal
>>The Public Art Galleries  ................ Large Picture Halls, I Bet
>>A Decimal Point  .................. I'm a Dot in Place
>>The Earthquakes  ...........   That Queer Shake
>>Eleven plus two  ................. Twelve plus one
>>Contradiction  ................... Accord not in it
 
 
 
 
  
 
 

These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest : ...top

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up
whenever you banged the door open again.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who hadalso never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
 
 

COMPANY RULES  ...top
Do any of these sound like they could come from anyone YOU know (or work with or work for)??

1.  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.
 Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees  will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

2.  What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.  E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4.  This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
 (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5.  Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.  No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
 We've been working on it for  months.  Now, go act busy  for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and manufacturing 3M Corp.)

6.  My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections.
 She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected.
 (CEO of Dell Computers)

7.  Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8.  "How About Friday?"  My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
 When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
 He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9.  "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
 (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone Lines Division)

10.  We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued
today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11.  One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on.
 I asked him if  tomorrow would be soon enough.   He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!"
 (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12.  Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials.   In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.
 The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told
that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.  When I asked why, I was told that
she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company.
Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the
word "pedagogical" circled in red.
 The HR manager was fairly reasonable,  and once he looked the word up in his dictionary,
and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.  He would take care of it.
 Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the
local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
  A month later, I resigned.  In accordance with company policy, I  created my resignation memo by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

13.  This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company:
"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting
business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better,  if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
(Lucent Technologies)
 
 
 

ANDY ROONEY  ...top

On ads in bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with
them.  I get back at them.  I put garbage in with my check when I mail it
in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for
me?  Thank you..

On fabric softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how
they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get
that April-fresh scent out of your clothes..

Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like "Cripes., For Cripe's sake". Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes?  The son of Gosh? of the church of Holy Moly. I'm not making fun of
it...  You think I wanna burn in Heck?

Morning differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning?  It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve..

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my
gosh.  He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching
over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I
don't do that when I have gas. Oh my gosh...give me your hand... It won't
be long....

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior
Citizen.  You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday...

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner?  Good grief! For forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house.  I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the
chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Phone-in polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90
cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW!
(hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine?  Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is, Share the love., Beep.  Uh,
 yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your
test is back.  Stop sharin' the love.
 
 

RELATIONSHIP BUTTONS ...top
=====================

1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

GENERAL LIFE
======================
5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
7. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. Do I look like a freakin' people person? <--- my sons favorite line (Of course without Freakin in it )
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

OFFICE BUTTONS
==============
10. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. <--- SO TRUE!!
12. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
13. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

GREAT INSULT BUTTONS
=====================
14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. You! Off my planet!
 

BEER FACTS ...top

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"  - or what we
know today as the honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into
the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast.  Too cold, and the
yeast wouldn't grow.  Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the
beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.  So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their
own pints and quarts and settle down.  It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock.  It's clear from
the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a
better site.  The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted
ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale,
the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even
shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and
eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum.  Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.  The
term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.  When you
were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim
or handle of their ceramic cups.  when they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by
this practice.

In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches.  It was a
combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking.  In those days,
a large chunk of bread was called lunch.  So if you ate bread with your
nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
 
 
 
 

CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers:  ...top
>  1)  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 >  2)  The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
>  3)  The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>  4)  Evening massage - 6 p.m.
>  5)  The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
>  6)  The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
>  7)  Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.Please use the back door.
>  8)  Ushers will eat latecomers.
>  9)  The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
>  10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
>  11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
>  12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
>  13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**
 
 
 
 

COMPUTER MEMORIES  ...top
REMEMBER WHEN....

>   A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV
>   FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW
>   A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN....
>   AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT.....
>   MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND
>   AND GIG WAS SOMETHING YOU DID ON STAGE FOR MONEY
>   NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS
>   AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES
>   AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
>   A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
>   A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
>   A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO
>   MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
>   A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
>   AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2' FLOPPY
>   YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
>   COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE
>   NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE
>   AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC
>   YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE
>   LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
>   HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
>   A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED
>   AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE
>   CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
>   PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
>   A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
>   AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU
>   I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER
>   AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
>   I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH
>   BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD
 
 
 

YOU ARE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN ..... ...top

>     1.You find yourself listening to talk radio.
>     2.You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
>     3.The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
>     4.You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
>     5.Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy
>     6.You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend
>     7.You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black  Sabbath.
>     8.You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
>     9.You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
>     10.When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
>     11.When jogging is something you do to your memory.
>     12.Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
>     13.Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
>     14.Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
>     15.All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
>     16.You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
>     17.You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
>     18.You actually ASK for your father's advice.
>     19.You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
>     20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board
 
 

You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...  ...top

1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies
2. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
4. Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
5. It's dark when you drive to and from work
6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
7. You learn about your layoff on CNN
8. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
9. You're already late on the assignment you just got
10. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes"or "when you're freed up"
11. Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because
otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
12. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
13. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
14. You read this entire list and understood it.
15. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
 
 

Cynics Guide to Life ...top

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.
And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails
across it until he hangs up.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember...You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers ...
and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.  That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...you can't wait to throw up.
 
 
 
 

Dilbert's Rules of The Workplace ...top
> ==============================

> If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
> A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
> Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
> It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
> After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
> The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
> You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
> Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
> When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
> If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
> There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
> Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
> Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
> Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
> To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
> Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
> Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
> If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,  you will get out of it.
> You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
> People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
> If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
> At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
> When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
> Following the rules will not get the job done.
> Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
> When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
> No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
> The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
> Do something brilliant and no one is watching. Do something stupid and the boss is sure to see it.  :)
...top